I Wish Itunes had a Return Policy

I am not sure how it would work, but it would definitely be helpful.  How many times have you bought a song on Itunes because you were in a certain mood?  Maybe you just broke up with someone and all you want to listen to is sad music like Sinead O’Connors “Nothing Compares to You”, Boyz II Men’s “It’s so Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday”, or pretty much any song written by Adele.  Or maybe you are having a bad day.  You know, the kind of day when you wake up late for work, no clean underwear, only 1 pair of socks and those have a hole in the heel, your car’s gas light is on, your boss yells at you when you finally get to work and makes you stay late and since it is Wednesday that really ticks you off because that means you are going to miss the new episode of Modern Family and since your DVR is busted you know it won’t record so you are going to have to wait a few days for it to be posted on Hulu but you know everybody at work is going to be talking about it the next day so by the time it is available on Hulu you will have already heard about all of the funny parts.  Guess what, time to go to Itunes and buy some Limp Bizkit.  The problem is Fred Durst never sounds all that good or intelligent when you are not angry at the world.  Or how about when they have a special where you can buy 4 movies for $20.  Sure, “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”, “The Girl Next Door”, and “Wedding Crashers” was a good idea.  But what were you thinking when you included,                                                                                                                                                                                                  You really should have known better.

 

I want to be able to return my bad purchases, just like I can do any pretty much every other store.

I don’t really know what the solution is.  I understand that as a business model Itunes would not be successful if people could return music and movies.  They aren’t Blockbuster after all.  Maybe they could flag certain songs to pop up warnings when you try to buy them.  For example, you try to buy “Break Stuff” by Limp Bizkit.  When you click the purchase button a window pops up and says, “Are you sure you want to do this?  I realize you are probably having a bad day and this song appeals to your anger but think about the future.  You are going to have to explain the presence of this song on your Ipod to anyone that sees it”.  Or maybe you try the aforementioned Boyz II Men song.  In this instance the pop up window could just say, “Really?  Could you get any more cliché?  Get over it.”  Movies would be a little more complicated because you have to draw a line between a warning and a film review.  Warnings are helpful, film reviews are not.  I rarely read/listen to film reviews because many times they are wrong or just plain ridiculous.  I remember reading one review to a movie recently and it said, “Tasteless, juvenile, low budget.  The plot was not believable and the acting was mediocre at best.” I think he took his job a little too serious.  It was a porn movie after all.

Something must be done, of this I am certain.  And if anyone can pull it off, it would be Apple.  They  did come out with SIRI after all and that thing is able to tell you where to find a picture of a Liger racing a Unicorn while eating the best Chinese food in town.

Slapcup. America’s Game.

I love America.  We are truly an industrious and creative nation.  America adopts things the world creates, combines it with something else and makes it better.  We took the hamburger from Germany, added two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun and created the Big Mac.  We took cheese covered bread from Italy, added pepporoni and sausage and called it pizza.  America itself was founded by a bunch of people who just thought they could do better than England.  Well, we  have also taken the world’s rich history of alcohol and added drinking games to make the drinking experience even more fun.  But we didn’t stop there.  These drinking games continue to evolve and it is that idea that I want to focus on.

America has created the single greatest drinking game ever, slapcup.  What is slapcup you ask?  Only the most important drinking game you should ever learn.  It is on par with learning the pledge of allegiance and the national anthem.  The game itself is rather simple but trying to explain it rather than just playing it doesn’t do it justice.  The best analogy I can give is if speed quarters and beer pong hooked up in the back of a Volkswagen after a Guns & Roses concert, slapcup would be their love child.

The game is basic.  Bounce a ping pong ball into a cup before the person next to you does.  If you do that then you can slap their cup away and they have to replace it with a new cup.  That cup is full of beer though so they must drink that in order to continue the game.  There are a few other rules but I don’t want to bog you down with details.  There are two ways to play, a continuous game and a stop and start game.  The continuous game is more common but the stop and start is more fun because it gives you time to ridicule the loser of that round of cup slapping.  There also tends to be a lot of cheering in the stop and start game which will draw a crowd if you are in a bar.

Another great thing about slapcup is that it is easy to make new rules.  This keeps the game interesting and allows you to get creative.  One new rule I especially like is called Trifecta.  If a person gets their cup slapped 3 times in a row then they have to drink a full beer on top of the cups of beer they are already drinking.  You would be amazed how an entire group of people can unite to get one person completely hammered after that person has lost their second round of cup slapping.

If you are still reading this I am a little surprised.  You should be scouring your kitchen for red cups and ping pong balls so you can play this amazing game.  If you want to learn more just go to Youtube and type slapcup, you will find plenty of how-to play videos.  You can also “like” slapcup on Facebook.  If you know of any cool rules post them in the comments section.  Good luck, and good slapping.

Overthinking the Movie Gremlins

So in my free time my brain likes to wander.  Sometimes it will just settle on a movie and start picking apart all of the intricacies.  This doesn’t make the movie any less enjoyable by the way.  If nothing else I think it just reaffirms that I have too much free time on my hands.  Below I will break down some issues I came across when thinking about the movie Gremlins.  For the record, I actually like that movie.

So anyone that has seen Gremlins knows the 3 rules for keeping a Mogwai as a pet.

1. Don’t expose them to sunlight.
2. Don’t spill water on them.
3. Don’t feed them after midnight.

So you can’t expose them to sunlight.  Then they must really suffer from vitamin D deficiency unless supplements are part of their diet regimen.  Also, studies have linked limited exposure to the sun to depression.  Based solely on rule number 1 these guys are in bad shape.

You can’t get them wet unless you want them to multiply.  But can they drink water?  This is never explained and it has really got me perplexed.  Any mammal on earth needs some form of water to survive.  Don’t these little guys?  I realize that it only makes them multiply but that is actually worse for their own personal safety.  If they are already dehydrated because they can’t have water, then you spill water on them and they start reproducing like crazy, that is just further reducing what water, nutrients etc. they need to survive.  As discussed above they are already Vitamin D deficient so they can’t afford to make it worse.

The most important rule of all is that you can’t feed them after midnight.  If you do it somehow changes them from this cute little fella

to this weird looking thing that for some reason has a mohawk even though it is obvious he is part of the reptile family (and reptiles aren’t scientifically able to have hair)

So here is where things get tricky.  What time zone does midnight relate to? EST, MST, PST; maybe even somewhere over in Europe.  And don’t tell me it is just based on where they reside at the time because that is just ludicrous.  Biologically speaking how would their bodies know whether they are in England, China, or Canada?  Also, when does “after midnight” end?  Technically, any time the next day is after midnight.  So is it midnight to sun up?

These are simply the thoughts in my head concerning this movie.  It has been a while since I have seen Gremlins so perhaps I got something wrong.  Feel free to correct me if I did.  I am also happy to overthink any other movies so if you have suggestions please let me know.

Craigslist. Helpful online tool or simply a source of endless entertainment?

 

So I have been looking for a roommate and I thought to myself, maybe I will check out Craigslist.  Boy am I glad I did.  I have never been a big Craigslist guy but I think that is going to change.  Reading the postings of all the people who are either looking for roommates or looking for a place to stay is extremely entertaining.  Let me put it this way, when I clicked on the “seeking roommate” section one of the first postings that came up said “Gay Friendly Cross Dressers”.  Now that wasn’t exactly what I was looking for in a roommate but that doesn’t mean I didn’t click on the link to learn more.  I was a little disappointed when the posting was only 2 sentences long but the second sentence was great.  It said, “I am a crossdresser and I am starting to change to a Tiffany”.  Huh?  Please tell me more.  Alas, there was nothing left to read so I moved on.

Now you can learn a lot about people’s experiences by what they say they aren’t looking for in a roommate/living situation.  What that really means is that they have probably experienced something like that before and they don’t want to go through it again.  Kinda like that warning label on Draino that says, “Do not Drink”.  Translation= Some idiot a long time ago decided it would be a good idea to drink a liquid used to clean out your pipes so we actually have to tell you not to do that.

Below I will list some various postings I read and then will attempt to translate their real meaning:

-“BLK straight bruh only interested in the same”.  Translation= No white guys, no gay guys, definitely no gay white guys.

– “With the exception of babysitting, I am willing to do ANY job for a place to stay”.  Translation= Yes that includes sex.

-“Male looking to find housing with female. Will share in all houshold duties. I need a place to store my toys. Will split rent. “  Translation= I am a serial killer.

-“My wife is home alone most of the time so we prefer a single female roommate”.  Translation= She gets lonely and will hit on you constantly.  There are video cameras all over the place so I won’t miss out on any of the action.

-“My fiance and I are looking for another couple to roommate with us in a house or townhouse.”  Translation= We are swingers.

-“Yes I posted $5.00 a day, just to get your attention .You can be any age, any color, any religion
There is a place in my house and heart and my bed for one deserving Woman. Yes You. The Girl that is feeling beaten down and not being treated right, the one that is hurting. You want to be here. I am close to the MARTA Train, and plenty of shopping.I have lived here for over 5 years. This is a nice secret place to find yourself. This is a real add, no scam.
You can be of any age, any nationality, any religion, any color, hair or bald. have money or broke,

hungery, car or no car. I’ll come get you.”  Translation= No one responded to my other post.  I am that same serial killer.

-“need somewhere to stay asap. not a roommate. not a roommate. please dont send me an email. if thats the case. i dont want to stay with anybody i dont know.”

Translation= I don’t like to masturbate in front of strangers.

-“I have a steady boyfriend.  I have one pet guinea pig and would like to have a space for a large cage for him. I keep his cage very clean. He can be a little loud when he gets excited”

Translation= My boyfriend makes weird noises during sex so I just blame it on the guinea pig.

-“Hello, I’m a 20 year old massage therapist/photographer looking for a rental with at least 2 bedrooms and at least one very large bathroom. I need a place where I am allowed run my business out of my home. I am also looking to do a small renovation of the bathroom. I have $11,350 professional steam shower/ hydrotherapy tub for my business. I would need to have the original tub and showerhead removed. I would be more then happy to pay for the renovation and the restoration of the orginal tub and shower when my lease is up. ”

Translation= I am a porn director so don’t be surprised to come home one day and see a bunch of video cameras, lights, and a threesome.

 

As you can see.  There is a lot going on in the world of Craigslist.  By the way, I found this all on the first page.  There were several more pages.  If you have any good Craigslist stories or have seen some good postings please share them in the comments section.

My New Year’s Resolution…More Raves

Ahh.  New Year’s Eve.  The greatest party every year.  Or is it?  I gotta be honest, I don’t think New Years is all that great.  If you are like me you have gone to New Years parties for at least a decade, if not more, and I don’t have all that many great memories.  In fact, my most common memory is having the same thought every year, New Year’s isn’t that great.  Don’t get me wrong, it is fun to get together with friends and drink and have a good time.  But that is just a typical weekend night.  New Year’s is supposed to be something special.  It is supposed to be the biggest party of the year.  I think that is the problem.  New Year’s parties, at least for me, suffer from great expectations syndrome.

The closest analogy I can come up with is that it has got to be like dating a porn star.  You have all these ideas in your head about how crazy things will get with her.  After all, she is a porn star.  Well look, there is no way she is going to live up to your expectations.  And at the end of the night, instead of a wild experience that you can’t wait to tell your friends about (or in the case of a porn star see on youtube later) you are just hoping to not be bored.

So this year I decided to change it up and went to a rave.  Now a lot of people have never been to a rave so this is my attempt to dispel some myths as well as give you some insight into what a rave is like.  I will also give you some “tips” so you don’t make the same mistakes I did when I first started going.

First off let’s talk about the rave stereotypes; the location is a  dark warehouse somewhere, all the people there are weird and mean, the music is terrible because it is the same beat over and over again.  Actually,  a rave really is like college spring break, just louder music and even more rampant drug use.  The people are nicer too, probably because most are on Ecstasy.  I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I go to your typical nightclub I always seem to bump into some asshole who feels he needs to protect his rep by staring me down.  More and more I stay away from these types of places. As my good friend Greg always says, “If I see a lot of dragons on shirts at the club, I am leaving.”  You don’t get this at a rave.  No one is looking to start any trouble, they just want to have fun.

So what about the music?  Electronic music has changed a lot in the last few years.  I won’t go into all the different genres of electronic music but if you Google it you will see more categories than you imagined.  Keep in mind that some popular songs use the beats from DJ’s so chances are you already listen to the music, you just aren’t aware of it.  Anything with David Guetta, many popular Flo Rida songs etc.

So what do you actually do at a rave?  The answer is simple; dance, meet people, party with friends.  To answer that question even better I am going to give you some rave tips.  This will give you a better idea of what to expect as well as help you avoid some of the pitfalls I experienced.

1. “Who the fuck is Molly?”  If you don’t know, you will say this by the end of the night.  Why?  Because Molly is the code word for Ecstasy.  So when someone comes up to you and asks if you know Molly, they want to buy some drugs.  The first rave I went to was ridiculous.  Apparently me and my friends look like drug dealers because people were coming up to us all night.  Fortunately, one of my friends let me in on the Molly secret.  But he didn’t tell my other friend so he was convinced that some girl named Molly was the most popular person in the bar.   If you really want to have some fun with your friends then don’t tell them about this.  Then go to a rave and I guarantee they will say the above phrase at some point.

2.  Wear comfortable clothes.  The great thing about raves is you can wear whatever you want.  You don’t have to get all dressed up if you don’t want to and most people don’t.  I typically wear a t-shirt, jeans, hat, and athletic shoes.  Girls typically wear a much wider range of outfits.  But I have yet to see any girl wear heels.  The idea at a rave is to dance, so you want to be comfortable.

3.  People will talk to you so don’t be antisocial.  If you are the kind of person that likes to go to a quiet bar with a couple of friends, have a beer and not talk to anyone else, then a rave might not be the best place for you.  I remember the first rave I went to with my brother.  I was at the bar getting a drink and this girl came up and was super friendly.  She left and another girl came up and started chatting away, and no they weren’t flirting with me.  I came back from the bar and commented to my brother how nice everybody was.  He just laughed and said that is probably because they are on something.  Well, I didn’t care.  It made my experience that much more fun having nice people to talk to.  So if you do go, don’t play the  Too Cool for School act and ignore people who try and talk to you.  They might be hitting on you, but then again they might just be saying the first thing that comes to their mind since they are narcotically unfiltered.

4.  Don’t be afraid to order water at the bar.  After his first rave, one of my friends made the comment that he has never spent so much money on water before.  I won’t lie, it can get pretty hot in there and if you are dancing you are going to break a sweat.  Bartenders expect you to buy water in these situations and trust me you won’t be the only one carrying around water that night.

So those are some basic tips.  Hopefully I have piqued your interest to at least attend one rave in your life.  If you have any good rave stories please post them in the comments section.  I have a few good ones but since this post is long enough I didn’t want to include them.

The First Time I Got Drunk…And Threw Up

Everybody started drinking alcohol at different ages in their life.  Some started in college once they were away from their parents.  Others started their senior year of high school, maybe on graduation night or after they got accepted into college.  I started much younger.  My first taste of liquor came in 8^th grade.   My friends and I would sit in a basement and trade shots of tequila mixed with orange juice, apple juice, stupid stuff like that.  And this was the bottom of the barrel type of tequila.  I will readily admit I had no idea what I was doing.  We would sometimes get tired of liquor and switch to beer.  The first beer I ever drank was Red Dog.  Remember those commercials, the ones with Tommy Lee Jones as the spokesman/voiceover?

Amazingly I never really got drunk.  It all tasted so terrible I never drank enough quick enough.  That all changed my freshman year of high school.

It is no secret that most kids who drink earlier in life have an older sibling.  That older sibling gives them access to alcohol, cigarettes, etc.  Now my brother is 3 years older than me, so my freshman year was also his senior year of high school.  So guess what that means.  High school graduation parties.  Strange as it is, besides getting hammered themselves, it seems that older siblings and their friends also enjoy getting their younger brothers and sisters ridiculously drunk.  That is just what my brother did the spring of 1997.

His friend had a graduation party at his house and it was a pretty sweet setup.  They had a huge party tent in the back yard with kegs.  There was a fridge and coolers full of beer in the basement and there was a sizeable crowd.  When I showed up with my brother I really wasn’t sure what was going to happen.  I knew his friends well and we all got along but for some reason I knew this night would be different.  It didn’t take long for me to find out how different.

I had never done a keg stand before.  I wasn’t sure what to expect, but hey it looked like fun.  You know what isn’t fun?  Being held upside down for what feels like 10 minutes while some guy stands next to you holding a stopwatch screaming to the rest of the crow how long you can last.  For sake of pride you try to push yourself to last longer than the person before you.  I don’t remember my time and I didn’t hear people boo after I was finished, so I guess I did ok.  Did I mention the keg was full of Bud Ice?  After that let’s just say I was a lot friendlier to everyone around me.  I wasn’t exactly drunk yet, but I had loosened up.  That would also be the last time I would walk around without a beer in my hand.  I think my brother and his friends played a game that night that involved giving me a fresh beer any time my hands were empty, and me not being aware of my alcohol limit I was happy to take the new beer and drink it.  Did I mention that the beer in my hand was Bud Ice?

One funny thing about being the younger drunk sibling at a party is that people notice you.  Not because you are cool but more like you are a circus animal that intrigues them.  Random guys come up and give you high fives, girls you have never met give you hugs (or maybe I was hugging them and they were uncomfortable).  I had one girl sit on my lap for about 10 minutes just chatting away about who knows what.  I really couldn’t imagine the party getting any better, and I was right.

I soon became the errand boy for my brother’s friends.  To this day I am not sure why the cooler of beer was in the basement of the house instead of outside.  When someone finished their beer it became my job to go inside, grab more out of the cooler and bring them back.  I also felt it necessary to get a beer for myself each time, a term you can affectionately call a “road beer”.  Well, all that back and forth coupled with my drinking started to take its toll.  My brother was nowhere to be found (more on that later) and I was sent on another mission to retrieve some beers from the basement.  It must have been apparent that I was not in good shape because one of my brother’s friends followed me into the basement and was trying to get me to lay down, drink a glass of water, essentially do anything other than keep drinking.  I ended up collapsing on the couch next to the beer cooler, not wanting to do anything but wait out the sudden spinning room and flip flopping of my stomach.  At that point my brother’s friend told me that I needed to get to a bathroom because it looked like I was going to throw up.  I told him that was unnecessary, and when he asked why I responded that I instead was going to throw up right there…all over the cooler of beer.

The rest of the night is pretty hazy, I remember lying on the floor, someone giving me a blanket and glass of water, a few people yelling at me after they came into the basement to get more beer and saw the cooler covered in my vomit.  I woke up the next morning surprisingly with no hangover.  I also found out that my brother had actually thrown up at the same time I did, just outside instead of in the basement like me.  I am not sure how that timing worked out but I have always thought that was strange.  As we got our stuff together and headed home one of my brother’s friends came up to me and asked why I drank so much at the party.  After all, he said, the beer was Bud Ice.

Getting to Know your Favorite Crazy Uncle, Kim Jong Il

So I was all ready to post an article about me getting drunk for the first time but then I check the news and come across this little nugget of info.  So in case you haven’t heard, the tiniest dictator with the biggest hair has decided that his work here on Earth is finished and has bid us all farewell.

 

For people that aren’t all too familiar with Kim Jong Il, this guy is crazy.  Below I have listed some of the more famous myths/facts about him.  It truly is comparable to some of the Chuck Norris facts.  And I do say facts because everything said about Chuck Norris is true and I will throw fists with anyone that says differently.  Sadly omitted from the top ten list below is a newer “fact” that Uncle Kim communicated with the coach of his World Cup soccer team providing tactics and motivation etc.  Since no one ever saw the head coach use a headset or get on a phone during any games the media asked him how this was possible.  His response was that Kim invented an invisible phone that only he could use to communicate with.  Pretty impressive for a guy who can’t figure out how to keep his people from starving.

The “Fact”: He had a supernatural birth

According to North Korean historical literature, Kim Jong Il was born in a log cabin inside a secret base on Korea’s most sacred mountain, Mt. Paekdu. At the moment of his birth, a bright star lit up the sky, the seasons spontaneously changed from winter to spring, and rainbows appeared. This contradicts way less interesting Western accounts of his birth, which state the dictator was born in a guerilla camp in Russia, while his father was on the run from the Japanese.

The “Fact”: He is a fashion trendsetter

According to North Korea’s newspaper Rodong Sinmun, Kim Jong Il’s iconic style has become a global phenomenon. The inspired look of his zipped up khaki tunics with matching pants has been spreading across the world, an obvious testament to his outstanding image and influence. The paper didn’t mention the popularity of the 4 inch platform shoes Kim wears, but his oversized shades definitely seem to be a big hit with the women of Hollywood.

The “Fact”: The world loves him

According to state-run media, Kimg Jong Il is the most prominent statesman in the present world, and people in countries the whole planet over celebrate his birthday with films and festivals. In reality, most nations are confused by his erratic foreign policy decisions on important issues such as N. Korea’s nuclear program.

The “Fact”: He invented the hamburger

Since any American influences have long since been banned in his tiny communist country, Kim Jong Il had no choice but to create some new non-Western food by himself. North Korean newspaper Minju Joson reported that Kim Jong Il invented a new sandwich called “double bread with meat” in an attempt to provide “quality” food to university students. He then built a plant capable of mass hamburger production to feed his students and teachers, despite the fact that the majority of his citizens battle famine on a daily basis.

The “Fact”: He is the best natural golfer in history

In 1994, it was reported by Pyongyang media outlets that Kim Jong Il shot 38 under par on a regulation 18-hole golf course – including 5 holes in one! That score is 25 shots better than the best round in history, and is made even more amazing by the fact that it was his first time playing the sport. It’s said Kim Jong Il would routinely sink 3 or 4 holes in one per round of golf, and – lucky for the PGA – he has since given it up.

The Fact: If he gets addicted to a drug, everyone else does too

According to a book written by one of Kim Jong Il’s ex-staff members, he was once injured by falling off his horse when it slipped on loose rocks. He was afraid of becoming addicted to the painkillers that his doctors prescribed him, so he had members of his administrative staff injected daily with the same dosages he had to take. He did this so he wouldn’t be the only one hooked on the drug.

The Fact: He once kidnapped a prominent director to film a Godzilla ripoff for him

Shin Sang-ok, a South Korean filmmaker, was kidnapped by Kim Jong Il, sent to prison, and eventually forced to make a film called Pulgasari that was basically a communist propaganda version of Godzilla. After Shin and his wife managed to escape North Korea while location scouting in Austria, Kim Jong Il shelved Pulgasari and all of Shin’s other work. Kim Jong Il has since given specific instruction to his Ministry of Culture and his communist filmmakers: “Make more cartoons.”

The Fact: He had disabled and short people deported from his capital

In preparation for the World Festival of Youth and Students in 1989, Kim Jong Il had disabled residents removed from Pyongyang. The government also distributed pamphlets advertising a wonder drug that would increase the height of short people. Those who responded to the pamphlets were sent away to different uninhabited islands along with the disabled in an attempt to rid the next generation of their supposedly substandard genes.

The Fact: At one time was the world’s biggest buyer of Hennessy

For a few years in the early 1990s, it was confirmed by Hennessy that Kim Jong Il was it’s best customer, spending about $600,000 to $850,000 annually on the liquor. He is partial to the Paradis cognac, which can sell for over $700 per bottle. In comparison, the average North Korean makes about $1000 per year.

The Fact: He maintains a city that was built just to be looked at

Kijong-Dong is a propaganda city that was originally built in the 1950s by Kim Jong Il’s father right on the border, this was to display the North’s superiority to the South and also to encourage people to defect. It has no actual residents, but an extensive effort has been put forth to simulate a functioning city, including lights on set timers, and street sweepers to create an illusion of activity. The use of modern telescopes has revealed that the units lack window glass, and some buildings are just concrete shells that don’t even have interior rooms. The city also houses the world’s largest flagpole, complete with a 300lb. North Korean flag.

I also think N. Korea has credited him with inventing clapping and waving since every picture of him includes him doing one or the other.  If you don’t believe me just go the Google Images and type in his name.

Fashion Sense

You know why I get angry at gay guys?  No, it doesn’t have to do with the fact that they are gay.  It has to do with the fact that a lot of them know fashion better than Tommy Hilfiger.  You might ask yourself why this is such a problem for me.  The answer is simple.  I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to fashion.  Figuring out whether or not my clothes even match is one of the most difficult things I do every day.  I have no idea what goes with what.  I will readily admit that the other day I googled what color shirt would match with my khaki shorts.  There has never been a time in my life when I have stood in front of a mirror and realized that my clothes don’t match.  It all looks good to me.  But gay dudes straight kill it when it comes to fashion.  They can figure out how to make anything work.  A scarf, anything with pink in it, skinny jeans, mesh shirts (ok that was more of a nod to a funny Family Guy clip than anything else).  They are like the Macgyver of the fashion world.

All he needed was stick of gum, a rubber band, and a paperclip and he could diffuse a bomb.  Give a gay guy a small handkerchief, a monacle, and leg warmers and he will put together something that will be selling out in stores next season.  So why is this such a problem?  Well, since they are well dressed men they are setting a really high standard for how us straight guys need to dress.  They have shown women that men can dress nice and now women expect it from us.  I like to think that there was a time when most guys dressed like slobs no matter the situation.  The thing was, since most guys did this women just had to deal with it and lower their expectations.  It was probably some sort of unspoken rule in guy world not to dress very nice.  Sort of like our unspoken bathroom etiquette rules or the infamous guy code.  Gay guys have now destroyed that.  It is kinda like that really smart kid in class that screws up the grade curve for everyone else.  We would all be passing chemistry if that kid didn’t score 100% on every test.  But oh no, little Timmy had to get into Harvard so you better believe he is going to know the answer to every question on that test.  Same with gay guys.  They have to dress great all the time because they are the ones that get modeling gigs, serve as backup dancers, or become stylists to Hollywood stars.  Appearance is everything in those situations.  But it doesn’t help the everyday guy who wants to just wear jeans and a t-shirt while out with his friends.  We look like slobs compared to a group of gay guys out on the town for the night.  Who do you think women would rather hang out with?  This is my plea to men of the gay community.  Please dial it down.  The rest of us don’t stand a chance.

Drug Free

Ever notice that you only see this sign:

In Neighborhoods that look like this:

My Math Teacher Lied to Me

I doubt teachers say this anymore, but when I was in school they used to tell me that I needed to learn math because I wasn’t gonna walk around with a calculator in my pocket the rest of my life.  Well take a look at the phone above Mrs. Applebury, you might notice a nice little application that the Iphone likes to call “calculator”.  Students: 1, Teachers: 0