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4 Personality Quirks That Might Make You A Douche

September 7, 2012 5 comments

In my experience, your twenties can be a bit of an abyss in terms of personality types that you’ll meet.  They can range from awesome to mind-blowingly awful. These days this  personality spectrum is becoming exponentially larger because there is no set archetype young people are now obligated to fulfill. The traditional family can wait, and different pathways are being taken. This isn’t a bad thing, it just means that the varied personality types you can come into contact with are going to be markedly different than they used to be.  They will have different levels of intensity in terms of having amazing quirks or having terrible ones.

There are four particular personality quirks that I think need to be eradicated.

These quirks aren’t always just found in acquaintances or in ‘friends of friends’ sometimes you can find them nestled inside the personality of your close pals. Like any parasitic entity, these quirks are harder to get rid of and are more sensitive to examination if they have been hosted there for a long time. People use quirks that seem to work for them, but be forewarned, the adoption of any unseemly quirks to get by have immense potential to take over your whole persona and turn you into a douche.

The One Upper

Hey!  You know that marathon you ran/promotion you got/new car you bought? It doesn’t matter. The One Upper has done it better, they did it faster, and they probably did it while they were still in utero.  We all probably know a One Upper: they always have to have the last word, they shamelessly tell stories where they are the hero, and yes, they did save to whole damn world. You’re welcome.  This quirk is dangerous because it makes anyone else who is involved in the conversation feel like a non-entity. It’s like you’re stuck in a real life version of Jay and Silent Bob except probably without a trench coat.

I don’t recommend trying to convey a serious story to a One Upper because they are so busy trying to best you that it will always leave you lacking in support. While they may say they are there for you when you’re in the thick of it, this quirk tends to cloak their ability to show real empathy that can sustain a friendship.

You:  “So my Grandma died last week and I’m having a rough time of it”

OU:  “Well last year, my Grandma was on the brink of death and medically died two times so I went through the grieving process twice. Also, the first time she died she saw Jesus and He told her to tell me ‘Sup Bra’”

Sup Bra

 

Mr/Ms Anger Management Problem

This quirk lies in wait until you are out in public with the person who is infected with it. It’s possible that you agreed to be seen in public with them because you thought that the last time they got into a screaming match it was because of a legitimate reason. You’re wrong. You’re wrong every time you assume this. Next thing you know you’re in Target and they are screaming:

“Is that baby crying? Why are his PARENTS LETTING HIM CRY?? WE’RE IN A TARGET HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR OTHER SHOPPERS! YOU! YEAH YOU, SHUT YOUR KID UP YOU’RE RUINING EVERYONES TARGETTING EXPERIENCE!!”

These people will Hulk out at any given chance, and no, they have no idea how ridiculous they sound. Nor do they realize how many social norms they’re breaking. I find this quirk the most exhausting because there is no way to predict when it will strike, and frankly I find eschewing that much anger on asinine things a giant waste of time.

So you successfully got a free plate of jalapeno poppers by screaming at your waiter, but you know what you’ve just insured for yourself: a burger that has had unspeakable things done to it by the kitchen staff. And you deserve it.

Some people find Mr./Ms. Anger Management to be funny, but I’ve never been able to see the fun in someone randomly going off on a poor bystander. I think at the end of the day Mr/Ms Anger Management is doing more damage to themselves than anyone who has been in their pathway of pain.

Like Mark Twain says:

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which is it poured.

The Judge

You know that friend that you have to edit yourself around? That’s the Judge. It’s a strange conundrum being in the presence of the Judge because they will be the first to encourage you to open up. Then they strike you down in cobra-like speed with an opinion about your choices that is far harsher than is warranted. Don’t be fooled by their insistence that their opinions are “right.” They are stuck in some sort of weird time-warpy mindset where juvenile opinions that were dictated solely by parents’ thoughts about what is ‘right’ still exists.  If after every story you share you hear

“Oh. My. God. When are you going to grow up? You can’t just get drunk and put tiny waterskies on a squirrel”

Yes, yes you can Judge. And I don’t understand how you don’t see the awesomeness in this. Hope you enjoy your garden party you’re going to later.

The weird thing is the Judge always wants you to spill your guts, but it’s rare that they will reciprocate. Either this is because they are so boring they have no stories of their own OR they are simply gathering information about you they think they need to keep; throwing it in your face at any moment when you have fucked up a situation in life. This quirk has usually manifested to give its host a sense of control.  Don’t feel bad about yourself if you come into contact with someone like this, their opinion is less important than any squirrel who doesn’t want to be marketed for their water skiing abilities. So go on with your bad self. It’s 2012 for fuck’s sake.

Tell me your weekend stories and I’ll tell you how your whole life is wrong.

The Oversharer

I can’t just call other people out and not throw myself under the bus. *Deep breath* I am an Oversharer. (Yes, I understand the irony of declaring this on a blog that lives on the interwebs for the world to see.)

An Oversharer will delve into any subject way too prematurely with people who can be just barely acquaintances. I know I have quirk because of the shock that I see register on people’s faces when I go into detail my most recent physical after they ask me simple questions like “How is your day?”  Alcohol exacerbates this quirk; when an Oversharer is drinking his or her life is an open book. I know it can be off-putting, but after a few glasses of wine it’s like I don’t even want to get better.

The insanely annoying part about this quirk is often people don’t want to know the details I’ve presented up. In fact it would be better most times if Oversharers stuck to safer subjects instead of divulging the graphic details of their latest sex dream featuring the Muppets. Along with the annoying bit, there is also a risk that comes along with this quirk. You essentially are offering yourself up to be gossip fodder when you blab things to people who don’t have your best interest at heart. You can victimize yourself by letting the wrong people throw around intimate details of your life. It’s your fault too, so shut the hell up.

You should probably go to therapy you repressed Muppet fucker.

As everyone gets older these quirks should naturally mellow out of your system; however, everyone should take a step back and really think about our conversations objectively. Did you really listen to what your friend had said to you? Or, were you so amped about your discovery of Gangnam Style on YouTube that you glossed over their coming out story?

A quirk can develop in your high school years or younger, and it may have worked ‘back in the day’ but that does not mean it should still be in use. You should not have the same communication skills you had when you were 16. Also, if you have a good friend who has any of the above quirks it’s best to just tell them. Any of the aforementioned quirks are damaging, and your pal will eventually be kicked in the balls (metaphorical or otherwise) by life itself.

 Friends don’t let friends act like douchebags.

 

 

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