65 Thoughts I Had While In Barre Class

{To the tune of Livin’ on a Prayer}

Ohhhhh I’m halfway thereee, Ohhh-Ohh tryna not look like a pear

I’ve finished half the Pure Barre July Challenge.

Last night was my 10^th class, it was an 80’s themed class, and I was doing well in the challenge until Tuesday’s little battle sesh. I was slowly murdered by my Pure Barre instructor whilst wearing a side-pony and Ninja Turtles t-shirt.

I’ve compiled a list of 65 thoughts I had

1. Class number 10: I’m going to crush this
2. How does this place smell good even if it’s a gym?
3. All this 80’s workout clothes doesn’t look too different than our normal gear wtf
4. I like leg warmers I don’t care what anybody thinks
5. Oh good my spot on the floor isn’t taken.
6. I see a bunch of girls that I feel like I kind of know, but haven’t talked to in class
7. We’re like battle buddies in here
8. Oh shit, I stared at her too long. I’m so awkward
9. Look.At.Cuticles
10. Ok instructor is putting on her mic
11. It’s go time
12. Knee lifts alright not so bad
13. Omigod I’m way more tired than I thought my muscles literally feel like bags of SAND
14. 90 second plank time- just push through this shitty shitty temporary pain
15. Got a compliment from the instructor. Banking it now.
16. Hurtssss so much
17. Already sweating. Looks like I’m just going to be gross right out of the gate
18. Why do I feel so taxed already??
19. Moving on to arms
20. Hey I can see tiny biceps in the mirror
21. I should just always hold my arms like this
22. Shoulders are burning. Not a slow burn either, these mofos on are fireeeee
23. These 2 pound weights feel like a 1000. They are tiny and all cute. Little shits
24. Oh thank God, streeeeeetch
25. To the barre ya’ll
26. Thighs all day
27. Look at me doing this thigh work like a BOSS
28. Spoke to soon this is LITERALLY the most painful thing I’ve ever done
29. Don’t break don’t break don’t break
30. I broke form
31. I’m back in, no one saw be cool be cool be cool
32. Please say this is the final 10 reps PLEAAAASSSE
33. THIS IS THE LONGEST 10 SECONDS EVER
34. Moving on! What’s that? More thighs bish
35. Is everyone else going through the inner turmoil that I am?
36. Goddamn I want a taco
37. And streeeeetch yasssss
38. Omigod I’m doing the splits, haven’t been able to do this since I was 12
39. I’m sweating so much I think all my fluid from inside is now outside
40. Ok, girl next to me merely glowing. Not the Swamp Thing like me
41. Seat work now
42. I guess that’s what real ladies call butts
43. I’m awesome at this, lifting and lifting
44. Instructor corrected my form and this is now actually hard as hell
45. Ass-is-going-to-pop-off
46. Is everyone else looking at their butts in the mirror?
47. Just me. Typical.
48. Oh yes, this is the one where we lay on the floor
49. “Go somewhere else in your mind” Instructor says—My mind is focused on the pain in my ass
50. Excuse me “Pain in my seat”
51. Hates it
52. Streeeetch sweet mother of
53. Grabbing a mat for some ab work yeaah
54. Ok I’m calling this move the wind breaker, because your girl needs to fart
55. This class is in very close quarters. Don’t fart don’t fart don’t fart
56. My abs are shaking— from effort hopefully
57. Say FINAL TEN PLEASE GOD
58. Yassss queeeen cobra stretch
59. I forgot the final sprint- I always forget it DAMMIT
60. Just gotta get through this last floor bridge
61. They are playing a remix of Berlin’s Take My Breath Away and the irony is not lost on me
62. It looks like we’re all humping the air
63. Seriously how is the instructor not laughing
64. FINAL FUCKING STRETCHES
65. Omigod I love this shit

Halfway there guys, let’s see if I can push it through to the end. Also, I stand by my love of leg warmers.

Pure Barre July Challenge: Classes 1-4

So I’ve never done back to back days at Pure Barre before, and before starting this challenge I was really nervous about pushing myself without many breaks. Even after  6 months of classes under my belt, the classes can still be brutal, I’m still super sore the next day. In fact, the few days before signing up to do the challenge I indulged myself with a few days of total sloth just to get ready for it. Pizza.The Wire. Couch. Yes, please.

My first class I sauntered in all-sass, knowing the drill, and thought that I’d relatively breeze through what was about to happen to me. I was wrong, and was humbled by a thigh and seat breaking class that left me doubting I could finish the rest of the challenge. Sweat-soaked and defeated I slunk back to my car where I turned on the AC and thought about getting a consolatory Pinkberry.

The very next day was my first consecutive class, and I tip toed in feeling incredibly nervous that I would even be able to finish the class. I wondered, “Has anyone ever had to leave class to barf from exhaustion??” To stop myself from wondering if I’d be the first girl to befoul the Pure Potty (yes that’s what it is actually called, hilarious) I wanted to talk to an expert.  I struck up a conversation with the girl next to me who I knew was a long-time barre veteran who said “You definitely can do this, I find the classes are easier if you come more often.” Her encouragement made me feel awesome, but I didn’t know if my body would react in the way that hers did to this kind of punishment. I finished the class, and felt way better about my chances of completing this thing. The Barre veteran was right, somehow it is easier if you just keep going.

The morning of day 3 I woke up with what appeared to be hockey pucks in my legs instead of my calf muscles. When I walked I expected to hear the “ching….ching…ching…” of Old West style spurs on my heels as I hobbled into my bathroom. It’s not particularly painful, just weird.

What’s that noise? That’s some girls’ jacked up calves. Don’t worry John Wayne.

I’ve now pushed through classes 3 and 4, and there is a teeny, tiny glimmer of pride building up with each finished class.

Just warning you guys, there will be no living with me if I successfully complete this challenge.