Advice My 30’s Self Would Give To My 20’s Self

I often think about how awesome it would be if I were able to get advice from myself in the future. Future-me could tell present-day me that new job I  left my old, comfortable job for was a smart choice, or whether or not “planking” for pictures will stick around as a trend. (Do you guys remember planking? What hipster bullshit was that?)

In life, the only way to gain insight is to live through challenging situations that create character. But as an anxiety-prone person I just want to know:

Am I doing life right?

That being said, now that I’ve left my 20’s behind, survived them really, and I’ve reflected on some choices that if I had the ability I’d go back and advise about I would. Some serious, and some not.

I’d have a productive little chat with my sweet, dumb 20’s self:

1. Hey girl, just tell your friends you don’t like nightclubs

I cannot tell you how many mind-numbingly loud, smoky, dance floors you will be dragged across, but it will be a lot. There will be $20 vodka-crans, men with frosted tip hair and Ed Hardy clothing. My God the Ed Hardy. This isn’t your scene and you should just simply tell your friends that.

You’ll smile for pictures and dance but you’re faking it. You will witness a woman wearing an Ann Taylor pantsuit hump the face of her companion so hard she breaks his nose on stage at Opera Nightclub, and that will still not be the end of your night. Those girls you met while waiting in the bathroom line are not your new best friends. Go home, old soul.

2.Hey girl, if you have a good boss and job, appreciate how rare that is

There will be an opportunity for you to leave a good job, and a boss who had your best interest at heart, for one that is more exciting. You won’t fit the new company, and the company won’t fit you. You’ll be laid off and it will break your heart.

The injury of this time in your life will change you forever. You’ll doubt your abilities and you’ll flounder in self-hate, but you’ll recover. You will be ok. Know you are not alone in experiencing something like this as a young person, and remember you’re still valuable.

3. Hey girl, strangers should always be a little strange

If you meet someone and they instantly call you his or her best friend: that is a crazy person walk away. If you don’t, you’ll be at a dinner party where Crazy tells you they paid to have research done on you on the internet, and you’ll have to Irish goodbye the hell out of there.

4. Hey girl, be careful about the water in the Dominican Republic

This should go without saying ya idiot, but don’t brush your teeth with water from the sink. Things will happen to your digestive system, horrible things. It’ll eventually get so bad you’ll yell “Avenge me!” to your friends on the other side of the bathroom door. Bottled.Water.ONLY.

5. Hey girl, stop comparing yourself to others around you

You’re not on their path and their not on yours. Especially stop comparing your life to the “lives” you’re seeing on social media. That shit isn’t real. What’s real is you Comet scrubbing your bathtub while you listen to embarrassing music choices on your secret Cranberries Pandora station you hope no one knows about. That’s real and no one posts stuff like it, because everyone is curating a life online.

6. Hey girl, put aside money just for Bridesmaid dresses/duties/bachelorette penis straws

At this time in your life you’ll be a part of several weddings. It will be fun, and it will be costly. On average a bridesmaid today spends approximately $1,500-1,800 dollars per wedding*. That’s a lot of bones. In 2013, you will be in 7 different nuptials.

Learn to be more firm and say no sometimes. Yes, you will love the weddings and it’s the bride’s day, but she won’t have to live in a box because she’s broke after the wedding you will. Also no, you will never wear the dresses again.

7. Hey girl, write often, write more

Persue this because of the simple fact that it’s your favorite thing to do. See where it goes. Write even if it’s hypothetical advice to yourself.

8. Hey girl, don’t worry about being single

Dating in your 20’s is a tumultuous, boiling pit of trying to force things to work. Trust your gut, and don’t let being single or what label you think people affix to you because of that status means. If someone truly judges you because of it, they’re a dick. When you’re on a date and someone gives you a “No” feeling, you’re right. Do you own thing, and in time the right fella that it just works with will come along and you can’t control when that will happen. Stay open and positive. Be selfish about yourself because you can.

9. Hey girl, try out meditation sooner

This is a tool you’ll scoff at, but it’ll help you to observe your thoughts and emotions and not be hijacked by them. Sitting on the sidelines of what’s going on in your head will put you at peace, and it’s not something you should put off. Maybe grab a kombucha after you’re done, ya hippy.

10. Hey girl, you’re ok

You’re doing fine, and you’re making mistakes. Your 20’s are a huge juxtaposition of major successes and failures. It’s a time of fun, pain, peace and chaos. Use it as a time to figure out what you’re about, and stop beating yourself up. Eat all the French fries your metabolism is so fast right now, and try to stop worrying so much you’re doing life right.

** Facts from USNews.com

Pure Barre July Challenge: I did it. Mic drop.

I did it. I finished all 20 thigh, seat and ab breaking classes. It wasn’t easy and the soreness was real. Throughout the month of July I actively avoided stairs so as not to inflict more pain. There were mornings when I’d wake up and my body was so tired that to get out of bed I’d lift myself out like this:

*This is all done in slow motion*

Lift neck

Push elbows back to lift upper body

Ok, gotta put my legs on the floor so just gonna

Pivot

Piiiiivot

Feet on the floor, alright!

As the month went on I noticed that while the classes were still intensely challenging, it didn’t take me nearly as long to recover afterwards as it had in the past. There were also classes I’d walk into having been my 4^th or 5^th in a row that turned out to be my best performances. It was shocking, but the saying is true, you’re stronger than you think. (Even when sometimes all you think about in class is tacos)

Flipping into a temporary moment of seriousness:

The reason I started going to Pure Barre was because I had injured my neck and I needed a challenging exercise that I could do that was low-impact. In fact, in the month of June I was going to physical therapy to get over the injury and was finally making forward progress after being in pain for nearly a year. Now that I’m nearly at 100% I fully understand and can appreciate that being able to exercise and push yourself is a privilege.  Healing from this made me aware of just how good I have it, and to always be grateful for a healthy body.

Q’s I’ve been asked about the challenge:

Would you do another Barre Challenge month?

‘Yes absolutely!’. The awesome part about a challenge like this is it really shows you that with a little planning you can really pack your schedule to meet your fitness needs no matter what.

Have you lost weight/noticed any body changes?

Yes and no. I’ve lost a lot of inches, but not weight. I lost an inch and a half off of my waist and hips just during the July challenge alone. So I can see how effective the exercise is. For other body changes, I’m a lot stronger now. I can do push-ups and the splits. Who would have thought that in my 30’s I’d be doing the splits? I can’t really show them off as a party trick anymore as most of the parties I now go to are baby related. Maybe I can break it out during a wine and cheese thing? I dunno.

Are you going to still go to Barre?

Yes, I did a butt breaking class this morning thank you. I need a barre buddy you wanna come?

Any advice for someone starting out new with Barre?

Just keep going to class. You’ll get better and stronger faster than you think. Also, don’t eat spicy foods before class. Just trust me on that one.

Shortly after my last class, an email from my studio went out congratulating all of the challenge winners and naming all of us. They also let us know that the prize for completing this challenge is a free intensive workshop class.

Looks like I’m just going to buy a Barre shirt and say that I won that shit.

To celebrate, I’m ending this with The Cars.

65 Thoughts I Had While In Barre Class

{To the tune of Livin’ on a Prayer}

Ohhhhh I’m halfway thereee, Ohhh-Ohh tryna not look like a pear

I’ve finished half the Pure Barre July Challenge.

Last night was my 10^th class, it was an 80’s themed class, and I was doing well in the challenge until Tuesday’s little battle sesh. I was slowly murdered by my Pure Barre instructor whilst wearing a side-pony and Ninja Turtles t-shirt.

I’ve compiled a list of 65 thoughts I had

1. Class number 10: I’m going to crush this
2. How does this place smell good even if it’s a gym?
3. All this 80’s workout clothes doesn’t look too different than our normal gear wtf
4. I like leg warmers I don’t care what anybody thinks
5. Oh good my spot on the floor isn’t taken.
6. I see a bunch of girls that I feel like I kind of know, but haven’t talked to in class
7. We’re like battle buddies in here
8. Oh shit, I stared at her too long. I’m so awkward
9. Look.At.Cuticles
10. Ok instructor is putting on her mic
11. It’s go time
12. Knee lifts alright not so bad
13. Omigod I’m way more tired than I thought my muscles literally feel like bags of SAND
14. 90 second plank time- just push through this shitty shitty temporary pain
15. Got a compliment from the instructor. Banking it now.
16. Hurtssss so much
17. Already sweating. Looks like I’m just going to be gross right out of the gate
18. Why do I feel so taxed already??
19. Moving on to arms
20. Hey I can see tiny biceps in the mirror
21. I should just always hold my arms like this
22. Shoulders are burning. Not a slow burn either, these mofos on are fireeeee
23. These 2 pound weights feel like a 1000. They are tiny and all cute. Little shits
24. Oh thank God, streeeeeetch
25. To the barre ya’ll
26. Thighs all day
27. Look at me doing this thigh work like a BOSS
28. Spoke to soon this is LITERALLY the most painful thing I’ve ever done
29. Don’t break don’t break don’t break
30. I broke form
31. I’m back in, no one saw be cool be cool be cool
32. Please say this is the final 10 reps PLEAAAASSSE
33. THIS IS THE LONGEST 10 SECONDS EVER
34. Moving on! What’s that? More thighs bish
35. Is everyone else going through the inner turmoil that I am?
36. Goddamn I want a taco
37. And streeeeetch yasssss
38. Omigod I’m doing the splits, haven’t been able to do this since I was 12
39. I’m sweating so much I think all my fluid from inside is now outside
40. Ok, girl next to me merely glowing. Not the Swamp Thing like me
41. Seat work now
42. I guess that’s what real ladies call butts
43. I’m awesome at this, lifting and lifting
44. Instructor corrected my form and this is now actually hard as hell
45. Ass-is-going-to-pop-off
46. Is everyone else looking at their butts in the mirror?
47. Just me. Typical.
48. Oh yes, this is the one where we lay on the floor
49. “Go somewhere else in your mind” Instructor says—My mind is focused on the pain in my ass
50. Excuse me “Pain in my seat”
51. Hates it
52. Streeeetch sweet mother of
53. Grabbing a mat for some ab work yeaah
54. Ok I’m calling this move the wind breaker, because your girl needs to fart
55. This class is in very close quarters. Don’t fart don’t fart don’t fart
56. My abs are shaking— from effort hopefully
57. Say FINAL TEN PLEASE GOD
58. Yassss queeeen cobra stretch
59. I forgot the final sprint- I always forget it DAMMIT
60. Just gotta get through this last floor bridge
61. They are playing a remix of Berlin’s Take My Breath Away and the irony is not lost on me
62. It looks like we’re all humping the air
63. Seriously how is the instructor not laughing
64. FINAL FUCKING STRETCHES
65. Omigod I love this shit

Halfway there guys, let’s see if I can push it through to the end. Also, I stand by my love of leg warmers.

Pure Barre July Challenge: Classes 1-4

So I’ve never done back to back days at Pure Barre before, and before starting this challenge I was really nervous about pushing myself without many breaks. Even after  6 months of classes under my belt, the classes can still be brutal, I’m still super sore the next day. In fact, the few days before signing up to do the challenge I indulged myself with a few days of total sloth just to get ready for it. Pizza.The Wire. Couch. Yes, please.

My first class I sauntered in all-sass, knowing the drill, and thought that I’d relatively breeze through what was about to happen to me. I was wrong, and was humbled by a thigh and seat breaking class that left me doubting I could finish the rest of the challenge. Sweat-soaked and defeated I slunk back to my car where I turned on the AC and thought about getting a consolatory Pinkberry.

The very next day was my first consecutive class, and I tip toed in feeling incredibly nervous that I would even be able to finish the class. I wondered, “Has anyone ever had to leave class to barf from exhaustion??” To stop myself from wondering if I’d be the first girl to befoul the Pure Potty (yes that’s what it is actually called, hilarious) I wanted to talk to an expert.  I struck up a conversation with the girl next to me who I knew was a long-time barre veteran who said “You definitely can do this, I find the classes are easier if you come more often.” Her encouragement made me feel awesome, but I didn’t know if my body would react in the way that hers did to this kind of punishment. I finished the class, and felt way better about my chances of completing this thing. The Barre veteran was right, somehow it is easier if you just keep going.

The morning of day 3 I woke up with what appeared to be hockey pucks in my legs instead of my calf muscles. When I walked I expected to hear the “ching….ching…ching…” of Old West style spurs on my heels as I hobbled into my bathroom. It’s not particularly painful, just weird.

What’s that noise? That’s some girls’ jacked up calves. Don’t worry John Wayne.

I’ve now pushed through classes 3 and 4, and there is a teeny, tiny glimmer of pride building up with each finished class.

Just warning you guys, there will be no living with me if I successfully complete this challenge.

Pure Barre Challenge: This May Kill Me

Guess who’s back? Back again. My blog’s back. Tell a friend.

This January I decided to do what everyone does, and GET IN SHAPE dammit! I’ve been a casual runner for years, but it was never anything that was super serious. Mostly I did it for the post-race free t-shirts baby! (And also I did it to be able to describe myself smugly as ‘a runner.’) I loved it, but I’ve had to take a temporary sabbatical from running because I’ve sustained a weird injury.

I’ve been healing from a periscapular strain on the fifth vertebrae of my neck. Which I got from throwing up. Seriously.  I wish it was a cooler story, but it was from a stomach virus. This bug was so intense I was sure that I’d be discovered dead on my bathroom floor. Some years-worn detective would probably have to let my parents and boyfriend know “In all my years I’ve never seen something so embarrassing” and then he’d flick out a half-smoked cigarette. (I’m just guessing at the details.)

During the course of this sickness I heaved so hard that I damaged my neck. I’m assured by my orthopedic doctor that this is more common than I think. I’m skeptical.  I’m pretty sure he’s lumping me in with his geriatric patients. He advised that I needed to find a low exercise intense workout that wouldn’t bother my neck, and this is where Pure Barre comes in.

My first class was January 9, 2015 and thus began my love affair. Pure Barre describes itself as “Utlizing the ballet barre to perform small isometric movements, it is a total body workout that targets your seat, tones your thighs and burns fat in record-breaking time.”  I would describe it as “Torture that you come to crave and is low impact on your joints. Perfect for you if you’ve somehow hurt yourself by barfing”

I’ve been at it for 6 months now, and I.CANNOT.STOP. Each class is insanely hard. During each class there is a time when I say to myself “I hate this” but somehow at the end of each class I have a moment where I AM BEYONCE.

This summer there is a challenge that my Pure Barre studio has put out that simply “Complete 20 classes in the month of July” I’m going to attempt this challenge. I will say I’m a bit concerned considering how sore I am after each class. I’m going to document my progress here, and keep you all along for the ride.  And guys, there is a free t-shirt at the end of this I can feel it.

They look so angry… please don’t hurt me.

Found: A Note From My 6 Year Old Self

So I found an old diary of mine the other day, and besides the rambling musings of little girl I also found this gem:

________________________________________________________________________
It reads:

This is a free contry
This is a free HOUSE
You are acting like you are the QUEEN!!!
But you are just a Big old BULLY!

Alison

P.S. I might run away
_________________________________________________________________________

I think this is a note I had written to my mom, being so incensed about something but had never actually worked up the cojones to give it to her as it still resided in my diary all these years.

I have thoughts on this first being:

I don’t know what my mom had done, but I don’t think it would have ever warranted this much sass. No one got away with that much ‘tude in our house and lived to tell the tale.

Secondly, I like how I left in some wiggle room with the use of the word “might” in the post script. I knew even then, that me and my Strawberry Shortcake suitcase couldn’t get too far from the house without getting scared. I mean, the house was where the Teddy Grahams were, so I wanted to put in that caveat without losing any power from the threat of running away.

Glad I never gave it to her, what a little brat. Happy Mother’s Day ya’ll.

Arstidir: Punk Rock Angels of Death?

I’ve recently happened upon this video of an Icelandic Group singing an 800 year old hymn. Apparently, they had just finished a concert and the video was taken late night in a German Train Station with them singing impromptu.

It’s possibly the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard:

I couldn’t help but wonder though, if I had just gotten off of that train, I’m sure I would just assumed that I died.

Literally the thought would be “Oh wow that’s a beautiful, ethereal sound. Wait, WAIT am I dead? Like did I die on a train? Oh man I died in a train station and the angels greeting me are dressed like punk rockers WIERD.”

 

Also, did you see the guy still holding the beer while he sang?  The late-night style is strong here.

The Time I Accidentally Sexually Harassed a Personal Trainer

I’ve been on a workout kick lately. I usually have a pattern of realizing that summer around the corner in late spring and then go into beast mode. Beast mode being, I get on a treadmill and bro out in the mirror at my gym with the 10 pound pink weights. You know hard-core.

I go to a small gym that is across the street from my office, and it has regulars. If you go there enough you’ll recognize literally everyone who walks in. There aren’t strangers and everyone gives one another an obligatory chin nod when you walk in. The gym also has trainers who run their sessions there. My story has to do with one of them:

One seemingly innocuous evening a trainer, whose name I don’t know because we’re only at the chin-nod stage of our acquaintance, was finishing up a session. I was also finishing up making a fool of myself with a medicine ball on a mat. I was trying to do an ab workout, but I feel like what I was doing looked like a poor attempt at a rhythmic gymnastics routine. (There were far too many unintentional leg kicks and wriggling to look like I was doing anything athletic.)

Yeah I totally looked like this.

As a note of description: the trainer in question is super nice, and looks like a young, non-mullet having John Stamos. I know that he isn’t everyone’s dream boat, but those people may not have been 90’s kids who religiously watched Full House. I mean HAVE MERCY!

So Stamos-doppleganger finished with his session and standing in front of some stacked cubbies everyone uses to store their stuff in while working out when I walked over. My cubby was underneath the one he was using and he had his back facing me while I awkwardly stood there waiting. He hadn’t noticed me, and I wasn’t sure how to let him know I needed to get to my stuff.  I opened my mouth and this bomb fell out:

“Hi excuse me, I just need to get to my cubby-”

*He moves out of the way*

“Oh yeah thanks I didn’t want to do a reach-around and…”

At that moment all time and space held its collective breath while all the blood in my brain raced to my feet. I think it did that out of self-preservation because the pain of processing the embarrassment coming my way was enough to take me to point break. I grabbed my stuff and walked to my car while looking at my phone like it had the answer to time travel in it to avoid eye contact.

I was so embarrassed that I had to sit in my car and just stare while I thought about what I had just done to myself. Also during the drive home and for much of the night, right when I started to relax I thought of what would happen when I went to the gym again and saw Stamos trainer guy as I knew I would. Right when I was worrying about that the whole recent scene would pop up again and I’d hear myself say it “reach-around.” Like an ever-present ouroburos that was just hovering in the background of my thoughts, the cycle of hearing the moment would start head to tail any time I’d relax.

 

Yes, I have been back to the gym since the unintentional service offer. And yes it did take a pump up speech from me, to me, to get me back in there. Turns out it’s fine, and I’ve been doing my regular late-spring gym ratting in peace ever since. To Stamos the trainer guy’s credit, I didn’t hear a laugh from him or even feel a stare. I prayed that he didn’t hear me, but I know that was unlikely.

Thanks Uncle Jesse look-alike. You’re a pal.

So it’s been a while

Hi ya’ll. I have been painfully neglecting my duties as an amateur/expert/goddess of blogging.

I have a lot of stories that I’m polishing now. Will post soon.

Topics include but are not limited to:

• A baby shower that had a taxidermy theme and barrel of fire outside
• Accidentally sexually harassing a trainer at my gym
• Attempting to bake cinnamon bread and ending up with Gak. (Do you guys remember Gak from the 90’s?? That stuff was the shit!)

Love and kisses,
A

Bug Battle

If ever it’s scientifically discovered that a creature living here on Earth originated in the mouth of Hell, I’d bet good money that that creature is a cockroach.

You unholy terror. You disgust me

I have an aversion to roaches that is so strong that even picturing one in my mind’s eye is enough to send shivers down my spine.  This bug can live without its head for a month because it doesn’t have blood pressure or a central nervous system, it simply clots at the neck and then there is no uncontrolled bleeding. Breathing is also done through spiracles on the body, so being headless ain’t no thang in the respiratory department for a roach.* I’m not an expert, but sounds like demonic energies could only explain and animate something like that.

I had a recent encounter with one of Hell’s lessers and it tested my mettle more than it probably should have.  Living in the city means it’s inevitable that you will come across a roach or two, so I should be used to them but no; even a picture of one is enough to make me cringe and push my shoulders up for fear that one might crawl in my ear.

I was at home, and was putting makeup on in my bathroom when in my peripheral vision a black shadow zipped across the glass of my shower door.  I put down whatever brush I was holding and turned my head hoping that what I saw was just a play of light from the window. My hope was dashed when I looked and saw the unholy beast.  He waved his antennae at me taunting my weak head-needing humanity, and I shrunk back against the door in a wave of nausea.

I needed him out. I needed him dead. I needed someone else make that happen because I was cowering and trying not to look directly at him. My roommates would not be home for hours so I knew I couldn’t let him have the run of my shower for that long. What if he used my shampoo? Bastard! I had to woman up and take him down myself.

Immediately after putting on my running shoes, (somehow having bare feet made me feel more vulnerable to Beelzebub of the Shower) I looked in the mirror and prepared myself for battle by jumping around saying “ Ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok I should do this ok ok ok”

My weapons of choice were paper towels and ant spray (we had no proper roach spray). After I got them from the kitchen, I spotted the vacuum and briefly considered sucking Beelzebub in there, but then dismissed the thought. He would technically still be in the house and would likely survive the suction. No, he needed to die.

There was more pacing and an air-punching pump up speech before I opened the shower door poised to strike. My first assault was chemical warfare with the ant spray. I sprayed the shit out of him. Then, with my ears fully itching from disgust (and maybe the airborne pesticide), I threw five paper towels on him and slayed the beast with my shoed foot. All the while I was stringing together an impressive quilt of expletives.

A lot like this.

I’d forgotten the worst part. The scrunching of the paper towel around him to get rid of the carcass. I pictured me doing it, and then him falling out of the wad in my hand still alive and then scittering up my arm. I gathered the courage, gathered the bug and then ran like Hell to the outside garbage can.

Me post-slaying….Just kidding of course, but look at my cartoon abs.

I won the day that day. I slayed the hellbeast in my shower. Cockroaches still terrify me, but now I know not to fear if I’m at least equipped with ant spray, running shoes and paper towels I can smite bugs with the best of them.

*All roach facts are from Scientific American. I don’t just know these things, I only know they need to die.