Do glasses ruin sex for those who wear them?

 

Do people who wear glasses take them off while having sex?  To set the record straight I wear contacts and haven’t owned a pair of glasses since I was like 10.  I was just thinking about this the other day as I was watching this girl do a presentation for my company and about once every minute she would do that obligatory push my glasses back onto my face move that we have all seen people do.  I’ve got to imagine that would become a real hassle during sex.  You’ve got to imagine the glasses are moving all over the persons face.  And what if they are sweaty?  Forget it.  It is just bad news, unless you are wearing Rex Specs.  But let’s face it, if you are still wearing Rex Specs chances are you haven’t had sex in a long long time, if ever.  There is a reason why it is rare for people to wear glasses in porn, unless it is part of some costume.  And even then you know the glasses are crappy because they are usually thrown off immediately before the real action starts.  But here is the thing, glasses are pretty expensive and the friends I have are very protective of their lenses.  So the thought of them throwing their glasses off in the heat of passion doesn’t really jive with my understanding of how people who wear glasses truly value their eye pieces.  They don’t want to risk bending the frames, having one of the lenses fall out, etc.  And I don’t blame them because I know glasses are expensive.

So then what?  No spontaneity, heat of the moment stuff if you have glasses?  It seems like it to me.  After all, you have to think about where you place your glasses.  You can’t just throw them on the floor or some piece of furniture because those are technically in the field of play if you know what I mean.  So then it seems like it has to be somewhat of a well thought out process of removing your glasses, placing them somewhere that you know will avoid exposing them damage, all the while trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy in your sex life.  I think that is the real reason humans developed contact lenses and laser eye surgery.  Because let’s face it, covering your eyes with some sort of plastic material or blasting it with a laser sounds pretty dumb.  But as we have learned time and again, people will do just about anything if it involves sex.  So if you have bad eyesight, aren’t wild about getting a laser aimed at your eyes, and you are too much of a baby to touch your eyes while using contacts, then you are stuck with glasses.  Expensive, inconvenient, sex killing glasses.  Sounds tough.  I will stick with my plastic eye covers and laser beams.

College Football/The Girl That Doesn’t Put Out

It is tough being a fan of a team that loses more than they win.  It is like dating a girl that doesn’t put out.  Stick with me.  Let’s take college football for example.  The college football season is 12 weeks long.  So that means you get 12 weeks out of the 52 in a year to “hang out” with your girlfriend.  Now there is a lot involved with “hanging out”.  You go on vacations (traveling to away games) you go out to dinner (tailgating) you go to the movies/ballet/concert (actually having tickets to the game and attending).  And at the end of the night you aren’t getting any (your team lost) and you are just hoping that the next time you go out (next game the following week) you will get laid (your team won), even though history would suggest otherwise.  This is just flat out illogical.  Why do we do this?

My entire happiness on Saturdays in the Fall is based on my team’s win/loss record.  To put it plainly, I am way more pissed off more in the Fall than I am happy.  Now I know what some of you are saying, “Just pick a new team” (get a new girlfriend).  Here is the problem though.  You have invested in your team and supported them for a long time (you and your girlfriend have history together).   You know the players and the coaches (girlfriend’s parents and siblings) and have made friends with other fans who support the team (you are friends with her friends).  Plus, it looks bad if you switch your team allegiance (drop your girlfriend for something better).

So what is the answer?  How do you solve this problem?  Well the solution isn’t simple.  First and foremost, be very selective in the team you choose to support (don’t just start dating the first girl that talks to you at a bar).  Do some research on the team.  How good have they been over the last five years?  How are they doing recruiting new players?  How good is the coaching staff? (ask simple questions that reveal a lot about a girl based on her answers.  Don’t start with “where are you from”, or “what do you do for a living”.  These are easy but horrible questions to start a conversation.  My first question allows me to learn a lot about a girl just by her answer).  Watch the team play a couple of games before you go buy a flag to hang in front of your house (go on some dates before you start leaving a toothbrush at her house).

Now I realize that most people reading this are already too old to switch team allegiance or put this into practice, but it still needed to be said.  So I guess the moral of the story is, if the college football team you root for sucks, try and at least have a girlfriend that swallows.