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Bug Battle

October 16, 2013 Leave a comment

If ever it’s scientifically discovered that a creature living here on Earth originated in the mouth of Hell, I’d bet good money that that creature is a cockroach.

Cockroach

You unholy terror. You disgust me

I have an aversion to roaches that is so strong that even picturing one in my mind’s eye is enough to send shivers down my spine.  This bug can live without its head for a month because it doesn’t have blood pressure or a central nervous system, it simply clots at the neck and then there is no uncontrolled bleeding. Breathing is also done through spiracles on the body, so being headless ain’t no thang in the respiratory department for a roach.* I’m not an expert, but sounds like demonic energies could only explain and animate something like that.

I had a recent encounter with one of Hell’s lessers and it tested my mettle more than it probably should have.  Living in the city means it’s inevitable that you will come across a roach or two, so I should be used to them but no; even a picture of one is enough to make me cringe and push my shoulders up for fear that one might crawl in my ear.

I was at home, and was putting makeup on in my bathroom when in my peripheral vision a black shadow zipped across the glass of my shower door.  I put down whatever brush I was holding and turned my head hoping that what I saw was just a play of light from the window. My hope was dashed when I looked and saw the unholy beast.  He waved his antennae at me taunting my weak head-needing humanity, and I shrunk back against the door in a wave of nausea.

I needed him out. I needed him dead. I needed someone else make that happen because I was cowering and trying not to look directly at him. My roommates would not be home for hours so I knew I couldn’t let him have the run of my shower for that long. What if he used my shampoo? Bastard! I had to woman up and take him down myself.

Immediately after putting on my running shoes, (somehow having bare feet made me feel more vulnerable to Beelzebub of the Shower) I looked in the mirror and prepared myself for battle by jumping around saying “ Ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok I should do this ok ok ok”

lil-giants

My weapons of choice were paper towels and ant spray (we had no proper roach spray). After I got them from the kitchen, I spotted the vacuum and briefly considered sucking Beelzebub in there, but then dismissed the thought. He would technically still be in the house and would likely survive the suction. No, he needed to die.

There was more pacing and an air-punching pump up speech before I opened the shower door poised to strike. My first assault was chemical warfare with the ant spray. I sprayed the shit out of him. Then, with my ears fully itching from disgust (and maybe the airborne pesticide), I threw five paper towels on him and slayed the beast with my shoed foot. All the while I was stringing together an impressive quilt of expletives.

quilt

A lot like this.

I’d forgotten the worst part. The scrunching of the paper towel around him to get rid of the carcass. I pictured me doing it, and then him falling out of the wad in my hand still alive and then scittering up my arm. I gathered the courage, gathered the bug and then ran like Hell to the outside garbage can.

slayed

Me post-slaying….Just kidding of course, but look at my cartoon abs.

I won the day that day. I slayed the hellbeast in my shower. Cockroaches still terrify me, but now I know not to fear if I’m at least equipped with ant spray, running shoes and paper towels I can smite bugs with the best of them.

*All roach facts are from Scientific American. I don’t just know these things, I only know they need to die.

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