So you got wasted last night…Damage control.

It’s 10 am on a Saturday and you’re lying on top of your disheveled sheets with just jeans on and one shoe.  To the left of your head is a half eaten cheeseburger from Hardees (when was the last time you even saw an open Hardees?) and a chap stick that looks like it hasn’t seen its top since 1990. You have possibly the worst headache you’ve ever felt, and you’re playing the game of “do I have to vomit?” you know you’re going to lose eventually.  Worse however, is the unwavering feeling you have that you made a total jackass out of yourself somehow. The specific memory of what happened never comes up right away. It waits in the boozy shadows of your mind like a Shame Ninja, biding its time until the perfect moment comes and it strikes you with the hideous visions of you making a dick of yourself in public.

The Shame Ninja will get you!

You need to do some apologizing you asshole, and you need to do it fast.

Step one: Sit up successfully

This may take several attempts due to the size of the vodka/bourbon/whiskey elephant who has taken up residency inside your head.  Sit up slowly making sure that your skull doesn’t explode due to changes in altitude. Keep in mind you must sit up in order to do anything else so keep focused on the task at hand.  If you can’t sit up, just lay back and wait for the sweet release of death by hangover.

Step two: Find your phone

Look around in your immediate personal space. If your Shame Ninja has shown you flashes of drunken texting and calls during the ‘sitting up’ process, your phone is likely right in your immediate vicinity and then  the good news is you don’t have to move.  If the phone is not near you, crawl or roll to where it is in your room.

Step three: Assess the damage

It’s recommended that before this step starts you crawl/roll into your bathroom as it’s likely you’ll lose the “do I have to vomit?” game while you’re finding out exactly what kind of jackassery you got into. Also there are pain killers in there.

It is now that you have to do the worst part of the whole process: find out exactly what you did/said/danced on. Don’t forget to look in your phone history as well. [What? Is that a call to your mother at 3 am? Way to go champ]

Texting friends to find out information is fine as it’s quieter and won’t piss off the stomping  elephant in your head.  This is when the details of your idiocy that weren’t shown to you by your Shame Ninja will be illustrated for you by your dear friends/significant other/mother.

Step four: Apologize, sincerely

Being sincere with your apology is a vital process of damage control. For instance, if in your drunken stupor you threw an industrial sized vat of cottage cheese into someone’s hot tub. It is not acceptable to throw them a “Hey I’m sorry about your jacuzzi bro” with emoticon smiley text message. Wo/Man up and talk with them about how you were a douche in person. In this case, it is also advisable to bring a squeegee with you when you see the cottage cheese victim.

This and cottage cheese will not mix well. Dipshit.

Own up to the fact that your behavior bordered on barbarianism, and you want to make amends as soon as possible. It will smooth things over with the people around you, and more importantly ease your conscience.

Step five: Get over it and move on

After a heartfelt apology, you have to move on. Don’t let the Shame Ninja get the best of you by letting him replay the image of you arguing with that hottie about how 2012 immigration policy is spelled out in the preamble of the Constitution. [Really?]

Did you act like an idiot? Yes.  Does it happen to everyone once in a while? Yes.

Remind yourself that you are still that mild mannered professional that the public sees.  What happened is simply that the caveman part of your DNA came out for a moment. We’re all human and sometimes humans are douchebags.

The Superhero-level drunk version of you isn’t who you actually are at all. Keep that in mind to keep the Ninja away.

Final step.

After you’ve forgiven yourself, kill the elephant stomping around in your head with Advil and hydrate. Repeat until desired results occur.

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