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College Road Trips And the Best Threat Ever

I’m not sure about all of you, but I could fill a book with crazy/fun/weird/possibly illegal stories from my years in college. College is an amazing time when cretin-like behavior can be gotten away with, and you’re broke but so is everyone else so who cares? Everyone is on a level playing field, and we probably all had some sort of inflatable furniture you used as actual furniture; also very likely a futon you would never want to take a black light to. It was dynamic and crazy and I miss those days very often. I tell stories from a wheel house of those years to fill any awkward gap in conversation. I’m not sure how to measure it, considering it is so subjective, but I think my college years and friends I made during that time are better everyone else’s in all the land/interwebs/galaxy. (For people that are wondering I went to Elon University)*

There is one story in particular that I find hilarious, but it’s sometimes hard to gauge how people will take it. The punch line, and easily best part of the story, is just a string of expletives which was fashioned into the best threat ever. Ev-er. Sometimes after I’ve said it, I’m  met with a terrifying pause and polite laughter which means I just offended the hot guy I was talking to, and clearly we didn’t know each other well enough for me to drop a story bomb like that on him.

Yeah I missed the mark on this one.

So I’m submitting it here, for the interwebs to judge it:

It was spring break of my senior year, and my group of friends decided to roadtrip it down to Destin Beach where we were most certainly going to be kicked out of the state of Florida forever post-trip. We split everyone up into three cars, and planned to leave at the crack of dawn to make the 12 hour trek. I was in my best friend Scott’s car, and also riding with my boyfriend at the time, Ben.

Somewhat current photo of how awesome things are when Scott and I have adventures

As far as road trips go, there is one rule you have to abide by if you are a passenger: Do not fall asleep. Falling asleep is an open invitation for the annoyed, very tired driver and other passengers to fuck with your slumbering self. This rule is unequivocally acknowledged.

When we hit the road Scott was driving, and I was in front, while Ben was in the back seat. In the trunk was enough college caliber liquor and beer to keep an elephant herd drunk for a week, so being vigilant on the highway was of particular importance. It also was an insanely long drive, so I was determined to stay awake to keep Scott company, and maybe grab the wheel if perhaps the 5 am wake-up call got the better of him. It didn’t, but we also were all hyped up on mini powdered donuts, cheese poofs and gas station coffee. Ben, however, did not power through.

As soon as we got in the car Ben conked out. Scott and I knew at the moment. It was on. Ben had abandoned his driving captain and first mate for peaceful sleep and we were not having it. Our prank was simple: Scott was going to brush his hands around in a circle on the wheel as if we’d lost control of the car, and I was going to turn around in my seat while we both screamed at the top of our lungs. So after we got to a particularly vacant part of the highway Scott started doing his part and I turned around screaming and it probably sounded like this:
“AHHHHHHOHHHHMYYYYGOOODDAHHHHHHWEREGONNNNNADIIIIIEEEE!!!”

Then Ben, ripped from sleep and thrown into chaos, recognized immediately what we were doing and yelled the best threat of-all-time:

“You guys are both assholes and Scott I’m going to SKULL-FUCK YOU IN THE EYEBALL

Yup. Skull-fuck. It’s a thing. It’s a threat. Just drink that in for a second.

Ben is usually very mild mannered so it just made the whole thing even more hilarious. Also, and kind of disturbingly, after he had yelled at us he passed immediately back out into deep sleep. He slept the entire way to Destin making me wonder if he had been bitten by a tsetse fly, but I think those are only in Jumanji. Whatever, college was a weird time, it was a possibility.

Oh boy, looks like Ben got to this guy.

Anyway back to skull-fucking: We laughed about his threat all week during spring break. Although skull-fucking in and of itself is actually no laughing matter. I know this because I looked it up online and attracted a bunch of really weird malware to my hard drive. Don’t ever Google this subject it will kill your computer. It also makes for an awkward conversation with the IT guy trying to fix your computer.

I always think about this threat when I meet someone who is particularly deserving of a good verbal beating. (Like that guy who keeps talking over you in a group conversation with outdated and overused jokes about how all women should be in a kitchen…yeah…that guy deserves a good skull-fucking) Friends, keep this threat as a trump card in the back of your mind when you need a final flourish to add to the end of an argument.  You will always win.

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