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The Dead Rabbit Story

Sometimes there are stories that stick with you forever. They seep in through your pores changing everything they encounter profoundly on their way to your darkest depth. I was told one such story at a wedding that deserves to be shared. It’s about a dead rabbit. (Stick with me on this one)

In June of 2010, I went to an amazing wedding in Mexico. I was there with my great friend Sabrina as her plus one (not in that way you pervs.) The resort was beautiful and also it was all-inclusive with swim-up bars so there was no lacking for shenanigans to be had. I didn’t really know anyone besides Sabrina, but the bride and groom’s families were awesome and super welcoming so I never felt like a stranger.  The actual ceremony was on the beach, and I cried in a way that you would make you assume I knew everyone well. I didn’t, but for some reason if I see a groom tear up I will full on ugly-face cry at anyone’s nuptials.

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During the reception the maid of honor gave the obligatory speech toasting the new couple. Her speech was touching and very serious. I tried my best to look the part of the serious guest. And I really did appreciate being privy to the intimate family moment. I’ll say this however; I’m not good at heavy stuff. In fact, I can only take it in small doses and even then I’m fighting back a wild urge to change the mood with some choice dick jokes. I digress because after that the bride’s uncle Ted stood up and told us this little nugget of a story:

Uncle Ted (who is also Scottish making the story more hilarious with his accent) began by telling us that his story is about his neighbor who is a doctor. This neighbor, who I will call Dr. N[eighbor], was sitting on his porch after work relaxing when his golden retriever came running up to him with a white rabbit in his mouth, and it was dead. He recognized it immediately as his neighbor’s pet rabbit Mr.Fluffy. The neighboring family that lived next door to him had even built an entire hutch in their back yard for Mr. Fluffy to live in, and Dr. N knew he was SOL at the moment.

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He gathered Mr. Fluffy from his dog and took it to his shed. From there Dr. N brushed out his fur and stitched him up where he had holes. (Gross) Dutifully making him look presentable. Then instead of telling his neighbor what had happened Dr. N snuck onto his neighbor’s property and stuck Mr. Fluffy back in his rabbit hutch without a word.

A few weeks past, and Uncle Ted told us that Dr. N knew he was in the clear. That’s why he accepted an invitation to have drinks with the couple next door, formerly Mr.Fluffy’s family. While they were drinking the neighbor said that some weird things had been happening. Dr. N asked him, as casually as he could manage what “weird things” were going on his neighbor told him that a few weeks earlier their pet rabbit had died.

They had the talk with their kids about how their pet had gone to heaven and then they buried him.

The following day they had found Mr.Fluffy BACK IN HIS CAGE.

All cleaned up.

The day after they had the “Mr. Fluffy went to Jesus” talk with the kiddos, and then buried him in the backyard.

The dog had dug up an already dead rabbit and Dr. N had unwittingly gone all Pet Cemetery on the poor bastard’s body before smuggling it back onto his neighbors’ property and chucking it back into its hutch.

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Friends, I laughed for the rest of the time I was in Mexico about this. Sabrina and I made up added  on endings about how the neighbors decided in order to keep Mr. Fluffy from coming back they would put tiny cement shoes on him and chuck him into the nearest lake.

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I don’t know if  this recollection of Uncle Ted’s story will ever do it justice, but I did ask him the day after the wedding:

“Ted did the Doctor ever tell his neighbor about how it was him that put Mr. Fluffy  back in the hutch?”

“No, no he never did.”

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  1. Sabrina
    July 9, 2012 at 11:17 pm

    Best story EVER!!! I would be haunted for the rest of my life if this crap happened to me! Hahaha!

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