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The Drunken Zeppelin: A Cautionary Tale

The Drunken Zeppelin: A Cautionary Tale

Every bar and each night out has its own cast of characters one might meet. There is the bachelorette party with token gay, the glory days gang from college, the two hot girls with the one cock blocking third wheel friend, and of course the asshole beer-snob dude who comments on your cold domestic selection. (I’m sure your Belgian Porter is delicious but it’s 3 dollar draught night, dick.) The list of types of people you will run into is virtually limitless, but what I’d like to speak to, and label as they should be, is what I like to call “The Drunken Zeppelin.”

A Drunk Zeppelin is someone who is so wasted they somehow take up the entire bar with their drunkenness. They are so larger than life hammered that there is no avoiding them, and whether you know them or not they will make contact with you in some way.

One notion that is palpable in the air at the bar is that everyone knows there will be an end to the Drunk Zep’s night, and it won’t be pretty. Like their namesake, when the end finally comes they’re going down, hard.

Like this.

I’m not saying that having one too many doesn’t happen to all of us at one point or another. What differentiates a Zeppelin from someone having a bad night is that this particular person is always like this when they drink.

You will most likely hear a Zep first. They’ll be shouting about a football game, rash, or often at a poor bystander about nothing in particular.  The Zep tends to float around the bar stumbling into tables, and toppling over various glasses and people. This is usually because he or she wants to talk it up with whoever has made eye contact with them.  At this point you always think to yourself “I wonder where this Zeppelin’s friends are?”  It typically is very hard to decipher who the Zep’s friends are at the bar because no one wants to claim them; thus inciting their distinctive floating behavior.

“We didn’t bring that guy”

The biggest piece of advice I can provide is simply do not make eye contact.

Unrelated* Don’t ever make eye contact when eating a banana either

Letting the Zep know that you’ve seen him or her will lead them to believe that you want them to come over and engage you in some way.  Once they are coming over you are now in the danger zone. The Zep will most likely plop down at your table and hit on whatever guy or girl they find attractive. (Being a Zeppelin knows no boundaries in terms of sex.)  You are now in danger of the following:

  1. Too-long hugs
  2. Stolen drinks
  3. Spittle on your face due to lack of motion control during stories and
  4.  Worst of all vomit. Possibly vomit on your brand new smart phone.

Bouncers typically don’t like dealing with Zeppelins, but at the end of the night they are almost always the last line of defense. The beginning of the end for most Zeppelins is when they start trying to discreetly puke or pass out in different places in the bar.

At least this Zeppelin took her shoes off, otherwise this would be gross.

One thing to be super wary of once the bouncer has had enough of any Zeppelin is not to be caught in their wake when they are being thrown out.  You must separate yourself from the Zep at all costs. You don’t want to be tossed out onto the street with them as at this stage the Zeppelin is highly instable and the meltdown that everyone feared is imminent.

It is now that the Zeppelin reaches maximum capacity and explodes; by yelling, puking, crying but more often than not some combination of all those things.

Full on Hindenburg.

So when you run into a Zeppelin out in the world keep these things in mind:

  1. Don’t make eye contact
  2. Avoid being in the danger zone
  3. Separate yourself as much as possible.

You have been warned.

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